RULES of the Room

1) NO SHANKING: you may find pieces of wood hanging around the floor; they are very strategically placed and moving them may release "booby-traps." ;)

2) ALWAYS USE POLITE LANGUAGE: when coercing the opposite sex please and thank-you(s) are a must i.e. "Yo! Chica lets make out, please?...thank you."

3) DO NOT IMPREGNATE NATHAN: in Nathan's throat there are fairly large alien wombs which require foreign "seed," you may begin to wonder are these "friendly aliens"? The answer is a strong "NO...they are illegals!"

4) ON FULL MOONS KEEP ALL DOORS LOCKED: no, we are not werewolves, however, Alex's extreme phobia (supraleicaphobia) causes him to have powerful panic attacks on full moons.

5) DANCING IS NOT ALLOWED (UNLESS IT'S EXTREMELY SUGGESTIVE): God does not like the "lukewarm" and neither do we. we like it HOT, like sweaty hot, like a bread based casing for delicious frozen goods (some would call a pocket) HOT! You get the picture, and if you don't we can demonstrate.

6) ONLY TWO GRUNIONS... PLEASE: we are very close to the beach and when the grunions run, our porch attracts many of the magnificent mating fish. You would not like to be pulled from your bed while you're doing "your business"—so do unto others.

7) JOSH SHOULD BE TOSSED NO FURTHER THAN 3 FEET: local pirates may see your jovial Josh tossing as a challenge and maintenance is getting very frustrated with repairing the rather large cannonball holes.

8) NIALL'S TOES HAVE FEELINGS TOO: and very sensitive hearing so please refrain from harsh criticism and use of racial slurs especially "redskin, scalper, injun, and damned toed folk," soaking in epsom salt is a cultural tradition, please be sensitive—they are trying to show their love.

9) PUT PILLOWS IN THEIR PROPER PLACE, PLEASE: as a species, pillows seldom survive nomadically. They may spend all of their lives searching for a perfect home and here in Room 243 we provide that home. Please support us in saving this endangered species.

10) REFRAIN FROM SEXUALLY HARASSING THE TELEVISION:  this isn't meant to suggest a disdain for sexual harassment towards females, rather that sexual harassment of turtles got out of hand and nobody wants another lawsuit.

11) DOUCHE-BAGGERY IS PUNISHABLE BY DEATH

Love, 243

"Fisticuffs!"

Sadly we have been having some "very crazy tickle parties" here in Room 243. These include actual tickling (in rape form, psychically as well as physically. And no, yelling "surprise!" does not imply consent), but we have also experienced many barbarous full-body brawls (alliteration rules). These incidents resulted in at least one bed and several drawers being broken, as well as a crack in one of our concrete walls.

We're dealing with it.

We also recently discovered the most disturbing news.

Heck is the most offensive word.

It is a mixture between "hell" and "f***" (the *'s here stand for "uck" as in "Uck, is that the fridge that smells!?!" or "Uck! Niall take a freakin shower!" We decided though that it would be better to replace this exclamation with *'s to remain classy.)

So, next time your ultra-conservative senior pastor says "heck" in a sermon (and they all do), you should walk out in the middle of church and yell, "I am THOROUGHLY offended by the LANGUAGE in this church!"

Ok, now saran wrap.

In response to the physical confrontations we have yet again been dealing with, there was an elevation in the stakes and means of the brawl. While many refer to it as the Cellophane Adventure, other names include The Saran Wrap Incident; The Night of Clear, Thin, and Stretchy Aggression; The Shrink Wrap Epidemic of 1876 (we're still in the process of updating our calendar); All's-Fair-In-Plastic-And War; and The "Heck" Night (we apologize for the language, though this was a direct quote and was unavoidable in the unfortunate task of reporting clear and accurate news).

Magic cards.

What do we say about Magic cards?

When asking Niall about this topic, he just narrows his eyes into little slits and growls, muttering, "You never understood and you never will at this rate."

It's an addiction that we're working on. An intervention may be necessary.

Also Niall is addicted to GH3. If you have any donations or fruit baskets please send them to:

Love, 243

SAF HOF

Alpha Dorm

Any help is greatly appreciated during this time of need.

On a more somber note, the residents of Room 243 wish to make a gentle plea for the safe return of their beloved 6th roommate. We want those involved in the taking of her to know that we are willing to perform any adaptation of Swan Lake (whether on ice or with fruits) in order to secure the safe return of our sweet, sweet Ellen. We also would like Ellen to know that we care about you and we're coming. Hang in there. Till we see you again we will quietly hum ourselves to sleep. "Reunited and it feels so good!"

If anyone has any information on her whereabouts or the phone number of a bounty hunter we can hire, please contact us immediately.

Love, 243

P.S. Vote Jackson/Coya Connect 2009-2010!

"Let's Call It 'Iron Lung.'"

What's it from?

It's a band, and we were just looking for something to say.

The real name of this post should be "Top 10 Things to Do With a Mannequin."

1) Eat lunch with her and piss off every faculty member at the school.

2) Good lover, but a great friend.

3) Teach her to sunbathe.

4) Scaring one roommate consistently enough so that he no longer feels safe in the hall.

5) Only "female" ever allowed to play Halo Night.

6) Whispering sweet nothings in her...

7) Play hide and seek with her.

8) Teach her the fundamentals of yoga.

9) Debate with her whether people who do not believe in God enter into heaven.

10) Study anthropology.

11) Fix Niall's computer.

UPDATE:

The only cure for depression is a proper sleep schedule.

Also Todd is doing "the Billy Goat" right now. It's a dance, and could catch on. Looks fun.

And Alex is working on an exegesis blog, but he got a D.

WARNING:

Calling the Love, 243 Blog gay is defined as "douche baggery." For more information on how to proceed with this issue see the 243 Rules of the Room (to be posted soon).

12) Watching Sesame Street on VHS to practice counting.

Love, 243

"Ziggy's a Psyduck"

...and also one of the dinosaurs from Disney's sitcom Dinosaurs.

That seems to be the main issue, here in Room 243.

Other than the outstanding campaign going on.

Also the issue of "stoop kid's afraid to leave his stoop!"

It's...it's an issue.

We apologize for the esoteric references (some would argue the use of "esoteric" escalates the conflict).

Recently our old friend "the mannequin" came back to us. The prodigal son if you will.

Or daughter. We're not sure.

Either way, heshe is in desperate need of a name. We are now accepting creative entries into a name contest for our official 6th roommate.

And yes, we know how to count.

UPDATE:

Ty Patterson just walked in. Quote: "This mannequin scared the shit out of me. Three in the morning!"

We are also discussing the possibility of wearing lipstick and wigs. More information to come.

Love, 243