2) ALWAYS USE POLITE LANGUAGE: when coercing the opposite sex please and thank-you(s) are a must i.e. "Yo! Chica lets make out, please?...thank you."
3) DO NOT IMPREGNATE NATHAN: in Nathan's throat there are fairly large alien wombs which require foreign "seed," you may begin to wonder are these "friendly aliens"? The answer is a strong "NO...they are illegals!"
4) ON FULL MOONS KEEP ALL DOORS LOCKED: no, we are not werewolves, however, Alex's extreme phobia (supraleicaphobia) causes him to have powerful panic attacks on full moons.
5) DANCING IS NOT ALLOWED (UNLESS IT'S EXTREMELY SUGGESTIVE): God does not like the "lukewarm" and neither do we. we like it HOT, like sweaty hot, like a bread based casing for delicious frozen goods (some would call a pocket) HOT! You get the picture, and if you don't we can demonstrate.
6) ONLY TWO GRUNIONS... PLEASE: we are very close to the beach and when the grunions run, our porch attracts many of the magnificent mating fish. You would not like to be pulled from your bed while you're doing "your business"—so do unto others.
7) JOSH SHOULD BE TOSSED NO FURTHER THAN 3 FEET: local pirates may see your jovial Josh tossing as a challenge and maintenance is getting very frustrated with repairing the rather large cannonball holes.
8) NIALL'S TOES HAVE FEELINGS TOO: and very sensitive hearing so please refrain from harsh criticism and use of racial slurs especially "redskin, scalper, injun, and damned toed folk," soaking in epsom salt is a cultural tradition, please be sensitive—they are trying to show their love.
9) PUT PILLOWS IN THEIR PROPER PLACE, PLEASE: as a species, pillows seldom survive nomadically. They may spend all of their lives searching for a perfect home and here in Room 243 we provide that home. Please support us in saving this endangered species.
10) REFRAIN FROM SEXUALLY HARASSING THE TELEVISION: this isn't meant to suggest a disdain for sexual harassment towards females, rather that sexual harassment of turtles got out of hand and nobody wants another lawsuit.
11) DOUCHE-BAGGERY IS PUNISHABLE BY DEATH
Love, 243
